Born with a cleft, growing up gay in a Devon village, and coming out as trans, has made Maddie remarkably resilient and acutely aware of her identity.
“For a lot of people with cleft, or those who are visibly queer, trans, plus size – or any other minority group – it’s good to understand who you are and be able to back it up.
“If someone’s horrible to me, I try to meet them with every modicum of kindness I can muster. I think that makes them feel weirder than if I have a negative reaction, or I get offended or upset.
“By treating them as a human being they realise they’ve not been doing that to me. I respond to hate with humanity.”
Maddie, aged 29, was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. She said she built her confidence as a teenager through theatre classes.
“My mum knew it was going to be hard for me looking the way I did. And I was so obviously queer as well, which can be tricky growing up in a village in Devon.
“She put me in a karate class and musical theatre, the best things ever, because I know how to protect myself and express myself.
“My mum was a fantastic single mum and made me the strong and independent person I am today.”
Maddie studied fashion at university and has since worked in design and marketing.
“At uni, I had a half green, half pink Mohawk haircut. I thought ‘people are going to look at me anyway, so I might as well give them something to look at’.”
With her cleft, and being trans, Maddie said she feels like she’s been in and out of hospital her whole life.
“Literally, from the moment I was born, I’ve been in surgery. When I realised I was trans during lockdown, I thought, ‘oh god, not more things to go into hospital for’.
“Although growing up with a cleft has helped me transition, as I know it’s not a choice. I didn’t choose to have a cleft lip and palate, and I didn’t choose to be trans.”
Maddie’s had her final cleft surgeries during her transition.
When I had my nose done last year, the surgeon said, ‘it won’t be a dainty new nose’. I said, ‘that’s fine, because I’m not a dainty woman’.
“When I had my nose done last year, the surgeon said, ‘it won’t be a dainty new nose’. I said, ‘that’s fine, because I’m not a dainty woman’.
“I think there’s this entrenched idea of ‘beauty’ across society, especially for women. I used to hate the word ‘ugly’ as, in my head, I could never be pretty. I thought people would think that was unattainable for me.
“Frankenstein’s my favourite book, because I’ve felt a lot like the monster in my life. I was brought into this world in a way that I didn’t understand. And the world can be very cruel. But it can also be very wonderful, and that’s what Frankenstein is really about.”
Maddie recently moved to Brighton, where she’s found a sense of community that she also felt with CLAPA while growing up.
“I connected with other kids at CLAPA, we had great times, and it’s always been there, providing brilliant support.
“For so long, I felt having a cleft was the thing that made me stand out and not belong. But there’s a deep connection to others with cleft.
“Places like CLAPA, and Brighton – the queer capital of the UK – are fantastic communities because, as humans, we know there’s safety in numbers.
It’s so easy to feel alone, and also to feel you’re the only person experiencing something.
“Especially in the age of social media, when everyone’s their own main character in their life, it’s so easy to feel alone, and also to feel you’re the only person experiencing something.”
Maddie said growing up with cleft has helped her cope with bullying about being trans.
“Because I’ve grown up with a visual difference, I can recognise signs of bullying and understand that it’s not about me. It’s more about the person doing the bullying.
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“When people are on these hate tirades against trans, I often think ‘how is your life focussed on things you hate rather than things you love? That must be exhausting’. I feel sorry for them.
“I’ve had it across my social media and have had to turn off comments at times. It used to really tear me up, but now when it happens, I’m more, ‘oh, here we go again’.”
Maddie has recently started cabaret and burlesque – as Dame Deadly – in clubs across Brighton.
“It’s been so empowering to be back on stage and be that theatre kid part of myself – now all grown up and finally allowing myself the space to feel attractive and desirable.
“I wanted to connect to the feminine part of myself, and refocus my energy on the love, rather than the hate in the world. It’s easy to feel horrible, read all the hate comments and let them sink in. It’s harder to remain hopeful. But it’s more important.”
“Because what we actually want is people to just be treated nicely or the government to not screw us over. I honestly think self-love is the most radical thing we can do.”
For so long, I felt having a cleft was the thing that made me stand out and not belong. But there’s a deep connection to others with cleft.